The word that broke me
It has been a while since I last wrote on tumblr. It has been years actually. I am back here today. I am only here when I am at the lowest point of my life. When all I could do is write it down here.
There’s this one word, one phrase that broke me. And I have been living my life believing that it is true. You never know how much your word could break someone. you might said it as a joke, but for me, I’ve been living with it, I believed it……and been crying myself to sleep wishing I am not the person that word describe.
I wish that I could be better. The word changed me. The word made me wish I am not who I am. It made me feels worthless and made me wish I could actually be someone else. It made me think twice before I open up to anyone. It made me hate myself. It made me hate myself for being me.
years passed by. I strived. I still think about it sometimes. I found someone who actually made me happy. Someone who made me believed that I could actually be myself. I thought.
The word broke me for the first time when it was said by someone who might not even remember it. It I breaks me everyday. Made me into someone I am not. Made me cry myself to sleep everyday hoping that I am not who I am. Hoping that it is not true.
I found way to live with it. I found ways to silent the thought. I found someone who made me forgot about it. Never know that it would hurts this much when he say it. When someone who you believe, someone you trust more than yourself, said the word you don’t want to hear, called you by the word that once broke you,… you just… left there… broken… it hurst more than the first time. And….all I could do now is believe it…………. I must be true then…….
I was happy with you, thought that I could be myself around you. Thought that you’ll never see me that way.
